It's been a helluva month. I'm pretty sure my ass is bruised from all of the kicks it's received from that bitch-goddess called life. I'm about ready to ultimate-punch it right in the beak.
First, I want to punctuate the chapter that I described in my last blog. My sweet Rilo girl is at peace now. I wish I could say the same for myself. A few weeks ago, I held her paw and looked in her eyes as she drew her last breath. It was the single worst day of my entire life and the guilt I felt (still feel) was unlike anything I've ever experienced. My heart thumped in my chest and knowing it was the right choice didn't do anything to make the tears subside.
In the weeks since, I've watched my other pets mourn (each in his own way), though I see a level of calm in them I haven't observed since our little girl joined our family almost 3 1/2 years ago.
Now her ashes sit in a little wooden box, on a shelf in our living room, so she can be with us as we relax at night -- just as she always preferred. When the time is right, we will let her join my husband's grandfather and uncle up at the family cottage on the lake. I think she would have loved it there.
I will remember her as a sweet, snuggly girl who would have gone to the ends of the earth to protect the two of us. I just wish we could have done the same for her.
So that was a giant finger from the universe. We are both still struggling with the quiet and the knowledge that she won't come barrelling around the corner at any second. But I know there will eventually come a day when I lie down at night and realize I haven't cried at all. Looks like once again today's not that day...but someday!
Next, I was rejected for a job for which I was ridiculously qualified. I thought I was tailor-made for it, so how could I not get it?!? I knew I was one of two candidates still up for it. I clicked with the people I needed to click with and my resume definitely supported that I could do this job quite well.
Despite being told they wanted to get this done quickly, the process drug on and on. And then they chose neither of us (Again, universe, I see your finger. No need to come any closer.) and are continuing their search. After the initial sting of "What the what?!? How did I not get this job???", I had the distinct realization that I wasn't upset. I lost out on a lucrative opportunity that I'd only really been excited about because of financial gain. There were some pretty major red flags (red flags for ME, but probably not for most normal folks who can get along in more conservative, religious environments) along the way, and I PROMISED myself that this move would be my pass to start something completely different in my career. It's time to start taking some risks if I'm ever going to attempt to get anywhere outside of the normal pitstops on the roadmap of life. Nothing against that company -- I actually think it's probably great for a particular type of person, and they were very nice to me -- but it wasn't for me. It's time to step up and really start going after the things I want in my life. The biggest risk takers are the ones with the biggest rewards. I'm a risk taker who's been masquerading as the safe 8:30-5 girl, and the timestamp on that persona has expired.
So I'm in a new job with a fantastic (and familiar) company, and I'm working three days a week. I have two days a week to take risks and see what's out there and to try it on for size. You never know what will happen and I'm feeling relaxed and grateful to this corporation for giving me the chance to continue to work with them in a different capacity.
But, seriously, universe, knock it off. I have Chuck Norris on speed dial and I'm not above calling in a favor if you can't stay in your own dance space. I've had enough of your spaghetti arms and I'm ready to dance the Cuban soul dance Johnny Castle suggested. I don't want any more of your Pachanga, thankyouverymuch.*
*If you do not have an unhealthy obbsession with Dirty Dancing, please disregard the last paragraph until you step up and take some responsibility for the cinematic influences in your life. Seriously. Turn off the superhero movies and watch this 1987 classic.
